Monday, January 3, 2011


i am very busy today..

but there is a lump in my throat that suppresses me to do my work efficiently.. i feel like a dummy,
being dragged to the office, forced to prepare these strategy documents which i found so ironic..

a new year has started, but it's still the same old me haunted with the same old issues ive been trying to dust off..
2 months ago, ive scribbled a blog on letting go.. ive listed down things i needed to do, and written a story based
on my experiences.. it should focus on moving on, i told myself..but now i dont think i can finish that story any soon.. so i have to stop, defer for a few months.. and try looking back the way i should, undergo normal process, not adhering to the lists ive made..

how could i forget, the day i celebrated my birthday was the day the hopeful me died, and i gave birth to my
"moving on" self.. it had been 2 years since i started playing a game i knew i cud never win..
like wat my friend told me, it's totally mental..

it's embarrassing to admit ive fallen for a man who could never love me back.
to add to that, the first few encounters with him made me feel sorry for his girlfriend..
coz i didnt like him, but guess life just plays jokes on us sometimes.

my rationale was, when ppl get sort of isolated and limited, they focus on what and who is around.
he was around wen i needed someone, and the feeling was mutual..
i was unsure, but i played a stupid game with him.. it was foolish, but it was our game..
there was nothing like it - crazy, addictive, mysterious, exciting..
i warned myself not to play coz i was an amateur, but there's always a first time ryt?

he was the only person who lifted me that high, but who also made me experience the worst
feelings i never thought existed.. and i thought i got used to these, but until now it still stings..
for the past months i acted brave, tried a lot of new things, went to a lot of places..
i tried running away to free myself from thinking of him, but when left alone, i wished for a time
machine that could take me back to the times when i felt crazily happy..

i listened to reasons..and i understood completely..
although i never asked, i did expect something from him.. and it was so wrong of me..
he never asked too, but i gave a lot..

so i asked him to finish the game..and i deserved that sadness written in his eyes..
for a while i was proud to have decided that..
but im still on the same ground, and he's moving on..
what was i expecting? so i tried so hard to live with a broken heart..
i met people that talk a lot of sense and inspire me with a lot of ideas..
i laughed with friends and hugged loved ones..
and it was working..

and then i would see him again, and all the walls ive made just collapse..
i found myself eating my words and betraying myself..
and this goes like an endless loop..

i asked for signs, but wat i saw were signs for me to walk away..
so i preferred closing my eyes and asked for more signs.
i was so stubborn.
but this latest call is hard to ignore..
i was given a chance to go somewhere far, and halfheartedly i grabbed it..

maybe this time it will work.. i will surely miss him..
he was my second love.. and yes it was sweeter than the first, but it was more painful too..
and maybe there's a third one.. but it's gonna be tough..
coz it's hard to love when ur broken..
so i'll let time heal me..
maybe someday when we meet again, i can be the friend that i should be..